The name "Jira" is supposedly a result of a joke. The bug tracker everyone used was Bugzilla, and who better to kill it than Gojira - Jira for short. Yes, that's the joke.

Jira is actually an Eldritch horror. The one that makes your eyes bleed from fear you only realize you're experiencing after your hair falls out and gets replaced by scales. Your soul gets consumed in pieces by the dark legion and you become them.

What does "becoming them" mean, you ask? Oh, it's just when you start saying shit like "Jira is very powerful", or "It definitely can be done in Jira, but I'm not sure how". It's when you tout pair programming but feel content with having a single person assigned to the task, and then they miss standup but luckily someone else starts talking about the ticket and it's not confusing at all. The change happens when it's 2022, but a yellow popup asking you to refresh the page brings a smile to your face.

Wait! (says you, unfazed by Cthulu rising from the ocean and bringing terror) Jira lets you link tasks from different projects, which is crucial in a company as large as yours. It comes with LINKS! Which are otherwise not available on the web. Burndown charts, full traceability, roles; you continue spitting from mouth-like openings in your skin while Jira side-panes multiply sideways unhinged, obscuring the tickets and purpose until the inevitable crash.

I try saving what's left of you. Intuitively, I press the dot, and type "recrudesce". The wizard is easy and it's only seventeen steps. On step four I realize that by saving you I lost myself.